Is there an end to your patience? I really don't want to know. I don't want to experience it's limits. I only know how incredibly patient you were with me.
I pushed away from you and did my own thing for awhile. You hung in. You stayed close. You didn't leave me. Until then, I didn't know you were like that.
I thought you were a demanding god, who delights in punishment, who requires sacrifice, and fawning servility, and frequent groveling at altars. How did I get that impression? That's not you at all! And the harder I tried to be "good" for that god, the more I felt like a failure inside.
At one point, that terrible, false idea of who you are made me run away from you. I couldn't be good enough! Who would want to be, anyway?
So, I played with all the fun things the world has to offer - just trying to keep my senses busy, so I could ignore that still small voice calling my name. Night and day, unrelenting, I could sense you protecting me where ever I was, whatever I did, and gently encouraging me, even when I dream.
Softly and tenderly, you kept telling me that you love me. While I was dirty and grimy and covered in the residue of that life, you loved me. When I was my filthiest, you made me completely clean!
What a miracle you got through to me! Thank you, that there is no place I can escape from your love. Thank you for welcoming me and adopting me as your own beloved child. AMEN.
So I let them follow their own stubborn desires,
living according to their own ideas.
Psalm 81:12
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